So I came home today and this bad boy was waiting for me.
I’ve got to hand it to Games Workshop, they are crafty buggers. Even though I’ve moaned and bitched and whined about their company policies and price hikes and Finecast bollocks, they still have enough influence over me to grab me by the knackers and hoover my wallet clean.
Dark Vengeance is the starter kit for the new 6th edition of Warhammer 40,000, and it’s… well… a bit bloody good. £65 gets you a Dark Angel and Chaos Marine army (both approximately 600 – 750 points), a handy-dandy size rulebook, a campaign/mission booklet to use the models in the box, and templates. If you’re not a 40k nut, let me assure you, for 65 squiddly-dids, that is stonking good value.
It’s like opening the Ark of the Covenant. But geekier and with more plastic.Books ‘n’ shit.
So now clearly I and fellow relapsed Warhammaholic Ian have our hands full for the next few weeks/months/years (delete where appropriate) as we assemble and paint, and – Golden Throne forbid – actually play a game of Warhammer 40,000. I’ve already called dibs on the Chaos Marines.
After a very long hiatus, some work buddies and I have removed our thumbs from our backsides and resurrected our Write Club. Every two weeks, someone suggests a title, and everyone writes a short story with that title. It’s all pretty good fun, and a great way to think outside the box and write something a little bit different.
I suggest you go check out our recent batch of stories (with the very apt title “Returned”) at…
It was tough being a kid in the 80’s and 90’s in the UK. We didn’t get anywhere near the same sort of reliable schedule that kids in the States had. If you were rich, you may have had a couple of Sky channels, but the rest of us had to make do with getting up at some godawful hour of the morning to catch an episode on Channel 4, or waiting for Saturday morning marathons on BBC2 or ITV.
But we did okay, and this is my Sacred Seven list of cartoon theme songs of the 80’s and 90s that stuck with me and made me the geeky manchild I am today. This doesn’t necessarily mean that these were my favourite shows, but the theme songs and intro sequences got me so excited back then, and tickle my nostalgia glands now.
To the list!
7) Duck Tales
Duck Tales was so great. I still break into a smile when I hear those first few happy, bubbly notes. Fun fact; it’s impossible not to at least think “Woo-ooo!” when someone says “Duck Tales!”
6) Arthur and the Knights of Justice
Now that is a kickass intro; wailing guitars, knights, some cool-looking bad guys, epic warfare, magical powers… so awesome. A shame that the intro is the only thing I remember about this show, though to be fair it was rarely shown in the UK.
5) Defenders of the Earth
Even as a sprog, I knew that characters like Flash Gordon and Phantom had history; they were the heroes of my dad’s generation, and Defenders of the Earth was an attempt to bring them back by giving them a fresh look. The show followed the usual 80s/90s tropes of kid sidekicks and cute mascot animal, but it was pretty awesome.
4) Visionaries
Visionaries is probably my favourite cartoon from childhood, and I still watch it now and again, because it’s so good. The animation is great for its time, and the writing was excellent. That intro is sort of like Knights of Justice; you’ve got techno-knights and magic powers in a post-apocalyptic world, and tanks that summon demons! So awesome.
3) Thundercats
Like all great intros, Thundercats had great animation quality and felt so epic. Mutants and magic swords and cat-girls, giant tanks and mummy sorcerers and evil pyramids… so cool. The show ran for ages, and while there were some goofy episodes and animation quality dips, as a whole it was very strong.
As a side note, the 2011 reboot is even better.
2) Bucky O’Hare
Damn, the 80s and 90s were like a furry renaissance… but aside from that, Bucky was a great series, and that intro is impossibly, hopelessly cheesy and fantastic. I’m betting you could run a Gamma World campaign based on the Bucky O’Hare universe and it would be the best goddamn thing ever.
1) Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors
Just watch that intro, with the thunderous narration at the start, that epic 80s power ballad goodness, and those awesome alien monster-tanks, and tell me that you wouldn’t want to watch at least one episode of this. The worst thing about JatWW? There was a line of toys (because, like most 80s and 90s cartoons, JatWW was created as an extended commercial) but it suffered due to poor distribution and marketing decisions. A shame; I would’ve spent hours crushing Decepticons with Armed Force otherwise.
Well, it’s done. Chris Nolan’s epic Batman trilogy has now come to a close with the final installment. Last night I crammed myself into the sweaty hellbox otherwise known as the Leicester Square Odeon and got ready to enjoy a solid 3 hours of the crunchy, gritty Batman goodness that Nolan’s delivered twice before.
Let’s just get the obvious out of the way. Rises is great, but it isn’t as good as Dark Knight (but then what is?). There, now we can move on.
Batman is so fucking nonchalant about falling, burning masonry.
Plot! Rises is set 8 years after the events of Dark Knight, and Gotham seems to be at peace as the organised crime that plagued the city is a thing of the past. Batman is no longer required, and is in fact reviled, as he is suspected for the murder of Harvey Dent, aka Mr Crazy Burnface. Bruce Wayne has hung up his cape and presumably sits around in his dressing gown all day, watching the Jeremy Kyle Show and ordering Alfred to supply him with a steady supply of ham and cheese toasties.
However, there’s bad news when the terrorist Bane and his private army sets their sight on Gotham, planning to destroy it to prove some kind of deranged ideological point. Shit, meet fan.
Naturally, all kinds of awesome stuff happens. What do you want from me, a detailed scene by scene breakdown? Go watch it! Spoiler though; Batman wins. Sort of.
The thing that struck me most about Rises is that Batman is barely in it. The film follows nearly every other character more closely than Wayne/Batman. A lot of focus is given to Catwoman, Bane, Commisioner Gordon, and John Blake, the young detective played (very well I hasten to add) by Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Oh sure, Batman has his moments when he shows up and kicks ass, and Bale gets a good amount of screentime, but I felt that Batman was almost a secondary character in his own film, and I actually liked that. To me, it’s far more heroic to see the “everyday” guys such as Gordon and Blake survive the horrors of Bane’s attack, organise and lead a resistance, save lives, stand up for truth and justice, etc, without the need for fancy gadgets and nocturnal mammal themed costumes.
This guy. This guy right here? BADASS. And unlike *some* people, he didn’t need to get all angsty over his murdered parents.
Performances from everyone were great. Anne Hathaway is sizzling as Catwoman and has some great dialogue, Morgan Freeman does his usual, flawless funny/serious duality act as Lucius Fox, and holy shit Tom Hardy is a terrifying man. The fight scenes between him and Bale are visceral, bone-crunching brutality; there’s nothing flashy in these fights – unlike Hathaway’s fun, acrobatic choreographed kickassery – its just balls-out ferocious, and absolutely perfect at portraying the character and fighting style of Bane, who has always meant to have been a fast, smart, bruiser, never a dumb, clumsy thug (as he was portrayed in Batman & Robin that film that doesn’t exist.)
Michael Caine is Oscar gold in Rises. He doesn’t get much screentime, but he totally steals whatever scene he’s in. To my annoyance, the speech that was used in the trailer (“I swore to them that I would protect you, and I haven’t”) wasn’t used in the actual film, but there’s a few similarly-worded exchanges between Caine and Bale which are heart-wrenching. Caine does a perfect job of portraying the only real family that Bruce Wayne has left, and we share his pain when the two eventually part ways, and in the final moments. I really liked the closing scene in the Florence cafe; it’s something that’s brought up early on and I didn’t figure it would be a Chekhov’s Gun.
As for Bale? Eh. He’s decent. I actually really like him when he’s acting as Bruce Wayne in public, he does the whole eccentric, snarky, slightly dappy, billionaire playboy persona really well. The problem I had was that when he’s playing Bruce Wayne as he’s meant to be, and how others see him – self-destructive, washed-up, and broken in every way a person can be broken – there wasn’t a sense of conviction to it. The way the other characters go on, you’d think that Bruce is about to go stick his head in the oven, even though Bale plays Wayne as fairly upbeat and proactive as the plot gets moving. And don’t get me started on “The Batman Voice”. In nearly every Nolan Batman film, there’s been at least one moment where Bale says something in the gravelly voice, and it’s so ridiculous I laugh out loud. It’s even worse in Risen, where you have Bale and Hardy having a conversation and you have no idea at all what either of them are saying because Bale’s doing his Batman voice and Hardy’s ranting through a gasmask and sounds like Sean Connery gargling through a traffic cone.
The visuals are great. That’s not a surprise anymore, but it doesn’t stop them being effective; the whole montage of Bane’s coup is utterly chilling as bombs go off, civilians get gunned down, cars explode, and homes are vandalised. There’s also a great visual flashback moment to Batman Begins; the prison Wayne is thrown into resembles the well he fell into as a child at the start of Begins (eesh, that’s an awkward sentence), and the words spoken by his father, “why do we fall?” echo strongly here.
There’s a few other minor quibbles I have – the clumsy namedrop of a certain Boy Wonder chief among them – but nothing serious enough to make me not enjoy the film. It was big, it was bleak, it was bittersweet. It was Batman.
Ah, don’t worry about it Bruce. A few press-ups and that vertebrae will pop right back in.
So there’s new DLC for Mass Effect 3 out now, with extended versions of the original three endings, and a new ending, “Refusal”.
Oh yeah, spoilers. Actually, screw spoilers, watch it anyway, because Shepard’s “oh shit” face in the Refusal ending when s/he realises what an atrociously terrible decision s/he’s made is actually priceless.
I don’t know whether or not this’ll take off some of the hate some of the fans feel for ME3, but I like the extended versions of the original endings. I especially like the new Refusal ending, because damn it, sometimes you just want to act like an arrogant, stubborn dick and say “no thanks, I got this” to the omnipotent deus ex machina plot device who’s trying to help destroy the legions of robo-Cthulhu, because that always works out well.
It’s been a while since I did an update on my group’s Gamma World game, and the reason for that is a simple one; we haven’t played in ages! Yes, the inevitable has happened, and I burned out as a GM, and Real Life got in the way of our weekly sessions. One week’s missed session turned in two, then before we knew it, three months had passed and none of us were really interested in getting back into it; my fault really for not keeping the interest level high.
The last session was a huge scrap in the detention centre; the players had busted out captive Gammaterrans (one of whom was a big gorilla dude made out of bricks), and readied themselves for a throwdown as alarms screamed and the sinister Dr Bao Fang made his fiendish threats. What followed was a long – somewhat tedious – fight as the players and the captives fought hoop guards, robot sentries, and a giant mutant-hunting robot that looked somewhat familiar…
Why yes, I did constantly say “MUTANT ENTITY DETECTED.” all night.
There were some pretty cool moments; hoop guards getting mobbed by prisoners that the players commanded, the zombie mind breaker using up his entire supply of poison grenades to create an enormous toxic gas cloud, and the prescient plaguebearer – who had not scored a single kill in the entire campaign – nearly one-shotting the Sentinel expy with a single critical hit from his megavolt club.
However, this fight drove home the one thing that I’ve been thinking all this time with Gamma World – players are just too tough to kill! There was very little tension in the fight, as the players had obnoxious defences, and recovered HP from second wind, or in the case of the zombie, natural regeneration. After the fight, they took a 5 minute rest and were back up to full again.
At first, I was upset that the game got abandoned, since it was a great way for us all to get together for a few hours each week and geek out, and although I burned out quickly, or didn’t prepare thoroughly enough, I enjoyed getting to GM again. Upon reflection though, it was probably for the best the game ended; the story had devolved into a bland dungeon crawler, the players weren’t getting many chances to roleplay their characters, and I was growing more and more dissatisfied with risk-free, no-tension rules.
In the weeks and months since, I’ve been tweaking and houseruling (because if there’s one thing I’m unable to do, it’s leave a published games rules alone) to make the next Gamma World campaign I run a little more challenging; for example, players will only be able to restore HP from either an extended rest or by using one-use healing items such as medi-kits – no more free 5 minute full heals! Another thing I’ve decided to write up is the concept of a “Team”; this is an idea I’ve shamelessly ripped from Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay, where the players determines whether they’re a group of vigilantes, rebels, mercenaries, explorers, and so on. Depending on the Team chosen, the group gets a minor bonus, as well as an instant background that explains how and why the characters know each other.
Hmm, other geeky updates… I’d like to run games of Dark Heresy, World of Darkness, and WHFRP, but my friend has popped his GM cherry and is currently running a rules-lite modern-day paranormal investigation story, and I’m having great fun playing a conspiracy-obsessed photojournalist who’s trying to unravel the mystery of the Tomb of Gomorrah while avoiding getting shot by fanatical Jewish terrorists. I’ll try starting up a new game once he’s finished; we find it hard enough to all get together for one game every fortnight!
I finished reading Aaron Dembski-Bowden’s TheEmperor’s Gift today, and it’s awesome. It makes Ben Counter’s older Grey Knights novels look like a pile of wank, because, you know, ADB can write characters with actual depth, and that’s something that’s tough to do with Warhammer 40,000’s Space Marines, who are too often portrayed as bland, one-dimensional, “FOR TEH EMPRAH!” types.
I finally got round to playing Mass Effect 3 last week, and in my opinion, the much-maligned ending – while perhaps disappointing and lazy – does not deserve the seething nerdrage it’s attracted. Was it unsatisfying? Kind of, but when the series has given me 100+ hours of fantastic story, great action, and presented me with genuinely difficult choices, I can cut it some slack.
Finally, I’m trying to get more and more writing done. Seeing as I do nothing during lunch when I’m at work, I’ve started a new story, adding between 200-500 words every day, because, you know, I gotta eat too. I’m also slogging through another story which currently stands at 22,000 words, which I started in February and seem to keep growing out of my control. I’m also scribbling down notes for this year’s NaNo WriMo. Hopefully, I can get a short story compilation up on the Kindle store by the end of the year.
And then I’ve got this blog to update! It’s a tough life…
I’m starting to think I may not really cut out for reviews; at the end of the day, I think I’m just too lenient. I’ve seen all the scathing reviews of Prometheus raging on gaping plot holes, shitty acting, lazy storywriting, and I know those issues where there, but I still enjoyed it, and recommended that people go see it. Maybe I need to look at something a little more cerebral that Ridley Scott’s latest headfuckery.
Something simple. Something flashy.
Ho boy.
And you know what? Actually pretty good.
When I saw the trailers for this, my thought process was thus ; “Oh, another Snow White film? That’s kinda odd, we just had Mirror Mirror and that looked like it sucked fat turds. Ooo, these fight scenes look pretty cool. Sweet, Charlize Theron is a fucking warlock and getting 12A-rated nekkid! Oh, Bella and Thor are in it? Well, Hemsworth is okay, not sure about Kristin. Eh, maybe I’ll give it a go if I’ve got nothing better to do.”
You know how much there is to do on a rainy Tuesday afternoon in a small town in West Sussex? No time to answer that, I’ve got to go see Snow White and the Huntsman!
A plot synopsis of the story of Snow White for those reading who never had a childhood; long long ago, in a kindom far far away, there’s a girl called Snow White, and she’s hot. Her evil stepmother, the queen, is also hot, but not quite as hot as Snow White, and she’s all like “That skank! I’m going to kill the shit out of her, then I’ll be hottest!” But Snow White escapes into the forest and moves in with a bunch of short, bearded day labourers.
WHORE.
Later, the queen finds out where SW’s hiding, assumes the form of an old lady, poison apple, enchanted sleep, true love’s first kiss, blah blah blah.
Snow White and the Huntsman is not really like the Disney version at all. If anything, it’s probably a little closer to the original Grimms version… with a few exceptions. Namely, the climax at the film where SW suits up like a paladin from WoW, leads a rebellion, and fights a sorceress.
So it’s clear from the trailer and the poster above that this a gritty, GRIMDARK retelling of the Snow White story. There’s a few halfhearted attempts at a romantic love-triangle subplot with SW, her childhood friend (who is essentially a more masculine Legolas), and the huntsman, but it falls short, and I’m not sure if it was meant to be intentional or not. Hemsworth’s character definitely warms towards SW throughout the film, becoming more protective of her as she starts to remind him of his dead wife, but it never really feels as if its reciprocated. William, SW’s childhood friend, clearly has some kind of hots for her, but nothing seems to come of it. I never got the feeling that SW was manipulating or misleading these two characters in any way – she seemed way more interested in restoring life to the kingdom and overthrowing the queen – but the unpleasant similarity to Kristin’s cockteasing of Edward and Jacob as Bella in the Twilight series is difficult to ignore.
Actually, I’d argue that SW isn’t actually the main character of the story. She’s more of a walking plot device that an actual character. The queen and the huntsman actually get a lot more depth, and, okay, they’re not exactly complicated characters, but it was refreshing to have them be more than “guy who looks for Snow White” and “vain evil harpy”. I actually found the queen to be fairly interesting as a villain, even a little bit tragic and sympathetic. She’s distraught when her creepy brother gets killed, she’s been mistreated and abused by men in positions of authority, and she’s clearly a crazed addict with a genuine fear of becoming old and ugly; there’s one scene when we open on the queen in her chambers, and there are dozens of dead women lying around from where the queen has sucked their souls out in a frenzied binge to maintain her beauty and her power. I also really liked Hemsworth in this film, as he continues his fine tradition of portraying a grumpy, rugged badass who’s very good at hitting people.
This was a film full of little details and interesting scenes that I really liked. For example, the queen’s mirror takes the form of a big cloaked dude made out of molten gold, but it’s very strongly implied that only the queen can see and hear what the mirror says; her creepy brother walks in and sees the queen talking to herself, hinting that there definitely something isn’t right upstairs (the queen and her brother also have a squicky incest vibe to them).
The dark forest that SW escapes to has a wonderfully malevolent Silent Hill-like feel to it during the moments when she trips out on evil hallucinogenic mushroom spores. SW and the huntsman find a village where all the womenfolk deliberately scar themselves so that they won’t be sacrificed to the beauty-obsessed queen. And the final climatic fight against the queen and her nightmare-fuel shard-creatures is pretty awesome.
The quibbles; the underlying plot that implied that the queen and SW are essentially personifications of entropy (the queen) and life (Snow White). I was okay with the queen being this parasitic, toxic influence on the kingdom, in that she drained all life from everything, but having SW being told by a magical stag (in a scene that could be ripped straight from Princess Mononoke) that she is the Super Special Snowflake Champion of Destiny, Rainbows and Sunshine seemed lazy to me, but then again I’m never fond of “you are destined to destroy X” plot lines, as to me it removes all sense of dramatic tension. Also, again, Kristin’s character being told that’s she’s the most important person ever reeks so strongly of Bella in Twilight. Goddamn Twilight, you ruined vampires and werewolves, don’t taint Kristin Stewart’s career too!
Oh, and the dwarves – who are actually wonderfully cast (Nick Frost, Ray Winstone, Bob Hoskins, motherfucking IanMcShane) – are barely in the film at all, and receive almost zero characterisation, which is a shame, because when you think “Snow White”, you then immediately think “and the seven dwarves”, and the little guys are poorly represented in this film.
And trust me, you don’t want to upset a dwarf.
In conclusion, Bella and Thor vs. Sexy Warlock Queen is certainly decent and enjoyable, and worth a watch if you like GRIMDARK fantasy hacky-slashy, but ultimately very, very average.
The annoying thing I find about real life is that it insists on getting in the way and distracting me from doing fun stuff. That real life. What an ass.
So I went to the movies about a week ago to see a film that I’d been anticipating for a while, a “prequel in spirit” to one of the most celebrated and masterful of sci-fi horror movie series of all time.
Easter Island IN SPAAAAACE!
So, Prometheus then. This may not be an amazing review as I saw the film last week and my recall isn’t exactly dead on (one too many gin and tonics will do that to you), but I can certainly share my opinions on the film.
Plot synopsis in a few brief words; in the near future, a pair of archaeologists, Elizabeth Shaw and Charlie Holloway, discover star maps at the sites of various ancient cultures. After seeing that all the star maps are identical despite the vast differences of the cultures that made them, the pair do SCIENCE and find out that the star maps point to a planet in a mysterious solar system. After being funded by the multibillion Weyland Corporation, Elizabeth, Charlie, and a group of stereotypical sci-fi characters (creepy hyperintelligent android, bossy corporate ice queen, stoic down-to-earth captain, angry and unlikeable monster-fodder) all set off aboard the Prometheus, a super-smexy spaceship.Upon arriving on the planet, the team discovers a huge alien structure. Naturally they go in to investigate, and things kinda start going a bit pear-shaped from there on.
Obviously we have funny shaped pears where I live.
So what did I like about the film? Well, first of all, it’s pretty. Really pretty. Well, perhaps pretty is the wrong word. The whole thing is very visually striking. There’s a lot of very powerful images; the huge mysterious stone head, the pristine ranks of vases in the caves, the strange alien control room, and the huge, hostile landscapes.
The atmosphere in the film was good and creepy. I was genuinely tense all the way through (though I am a massive wimp when it comes to film), and although there were a few moments that got a cheap jump-scare out of me, the majority of the film did a great job in setting up a menacing, threatening mood that made you worry about what was really going to happen. However, there was one scene of total, unsubtle horror, and it’s the surgery scene, and if you’ve seen it, you know what I mean. To spoil the plot a little, Elizabeth discovers she’s pregnant despite the fact that she’s infertile. When warned that it’s not a normal fetus (words I imagine that no woman ever wants to hear), she freaks out, and while the thing inside her starts to thrash around, she straps herself into a robotic operating machine and we are treated to one of the most unsettling scenes outside of a Saw or Final Destination film. I won’t spoil it if you haven’t seen it, but let’s just say I did not sleep that night.
I thought all the performances were good. I liked Noomi Rapace as Elizabeth (even if she does look a bit like a real life anime character), and Michael Fassbender is just fantastic as David, the creepy android.
There were a few issues I had with the film though, just some plot points that didn’t seem to get resolved thoroughly enough for my liking. When David examines one of the vases they discover in the caves, he finds that it secretes a weird black liquid. He runs a few tests on it, and then, for no adequately explained reason, secretly puts some of the liquid in a character’s drink so that it infects them with a weird alien disease and eventually kills them. Another moment was when another character (who we see die) randomly comes back to life and attacks the crew, killing at least five guys before being incinerated. The amount of fucks that the remaining crew seem to give after this happens could be counted on the fingers of a man with no hands. If it was me, I’d be like “holy shit, our dead friend reanimated, killed a bunch of guys, and seemed to be immune to harm! Why are we not looking into why and how this has happened!?” and I would not shut up about it.
Overall, I thought Prometheus was very good, though not perhaps living up to all the hype it generated. I could understand how some diehard fans of the Alien series might be disappointed or unimpressed, but to me the film was a nice dose of creepy sci-fi without being too stupid or in-your-face. I’d definitely recommend that you catch it at cinemas while you can.
Ah, a review! A nice change of pace and breath of fresh air. For once I can review something that’s actually recent enough to be relevant. Well, two somethings actually, the latest Black Library offerings from literary powerhouse Aaron Dembski-Bowden.
Aaron Dembski-Bowden is still a bit of a new kid on the block in terms of his Black Library contributions, but he’s quickly established himself as one of the company’s best writers, alongside grizzled veterans Dan Abnett and Graham McNeil. This is probably because he’s a bit bloody good. Every Black Library writer has their own distinctive quirks, and ADB’s books are usually full of awesome snarky wit and genuinely powerful and touching character development, a hard thing to achieve when the protaganist of your story is a genetically enhanced super soldier who lives a life of betrayal, murder, and desecration. Talos from the Soul Hunter trilogy, Argel Tal and Lorgar from First Heretic… and now Angron, Primarch of the World Eaters, and star of the audio book Butcher’s Nails.
Well he seems like an agreeable sort of chap.
First things first; Black Library make damn good audio books (technically “audio dramas”). I have a stash of them in my drawers at work, and listening to them certainly makes the day go faster. The Dark King and The Lightning Tower are good character pieces, the Thorn Wishes Talon collection contains a trio of very good stories, and The Madness Within is fun and action-packed. The sound effects are nice and crunchy, and the voice acting is top notch – I’m especially fond of Danny Webb’s performance as Malcador in The Lightning Tower because he makes the Sigillite sound like Emperor frigging Palpatine from Star Wars, which is all flavours of awesome.
To be fair, look at the guy. He probably sneezes Sith lightning.
The story is set during the Horus Heresy (derp), post-Isstvaan and pre-Calth, and if that means nothing to you, then I’ve lost you already.
Angron – who’s like Kratos from God of War, if Kratos was twice the size, invulnerable to harm, and dual-wielded chainsaw axes – is cruising around in space in his battleship Conqueror, along with a load of everyone’s favourite power-armoured psychopaths, the World Eaters. He’s been sent on a mission by the Big Bad himself, Horus. Accompanying him on this mission is Lorgar, Primarch of the Word Bearers, and his Legion of Chaos-worshipping zealots.
The story starts with Angron and Lorgar about to start a war between their fleets; Lorgar wants to get on with the mission at hand, but Angron is too busy dicking around and committing global genocide on every world they pass, because Angron is a VERY ANGRY MAN and likes to wipe out whole civilisations for lulz. Angron and Lorgar argue, and Angron is about to order the attack, when the Eldar, naughty psychic space elves that they are, appear and cock-block the World Eater’s raging murder-boner. What follows is a fairly epic space battle as the Conqueror curb stomps a whole Eldar fleet with, no joke, enormous rocket-propelled space harpoons.
This, but a thousand times bigger and IN SPAAAACE.
A synopsis of the remainder; the Eldar retreat, Lorgar and Angron call a truce long enough to hunt down the pointy-ears, they find them, and then Lorgar and Angron storm the Eldar flagship. Angron kills the Eldar captain, but not before the xenos mentions that they were trying to kill Angron before he became “The Blood God’s son”. Lorgar files this bit of information away without giving Angron any kind of spoilers. The story ends as Kharn and Argel Tal duel, showing that the Eaters and Bearers are on good terms again, and then they hear the announcement that the Battle of Calth has begun.
So, what did I like about this story? Pretty much everything. The action is great and visceral, and ADB has an awesome gift for dialogue, snarky wit, and adjectives. I liked the character of Captain Lotara Sarrin, mistress of the Conqueror. I liked that they gave Kharn a Spanish accent. I really liked the informality between Sarrin, Kharn and Angron, and how Angron hates being addressed by any sort of title or honorific, appropriate given his background as a gladiator slave who’s had to fight for everything. And I especially loved the atypical pairing of the World Eaters and the Word Bearers; they’re two Legions we’ve never really seen working together, especially not during the Heresy.
It’s refreshing to see the World Eaters, and especially Angron, portrayed with some real kind of depth. Usually they’ve just been handwaved as the VERY ANGRY MEN, which is fine, because it makes them very strong, very simple, and very effective archetypes. They’re warriors who like to get up close and personal, but often get carried away and cross the line. Other Legions don’t really like them, and consider them savage brutes. And that’s absolutely fine. But when you’re handling a Primarch – who is essentially a demi-god – a little more depth is required, and ADB does this very well with Angron. It’s really testament to his skill that you sympathise with Angron; the guy is in constant pain from his “Butcher’s Nails” (the little machines in his head that make him a VERY ANGRY MAN), and when he isn’t fighting, you’re made aware that he really suffers. He has headaches, muscle aches, nervous tics, nosebleeds… the guy’s basically a big grouchy mess unless he’s killing someone. And when he’s in the thick of it, he enters a sort of tranquil state, which is as close to peace as he can attain.
A few quibbles I had; having just recently read Void Stalker (which also features a space battle with Eldar), it felt like a lot of the space battle sections were copy-pasted. The appearance of the Eldar ships and the way they move are described in almost the exact same way, with some variations. Plus, the Eldar’s motivation is the same as in Void Stalker; “let’s appear and try and kill the protagonist because we’ve seen the future and some bad shit will go down if this guy lives.” It’s a fine reason, and very in-character for the Eldar, but it just seems repetitive.
I also thought the whole “giant rocket space harpoon gun” thing was a little goofy, but I’m not overly fussed by that; this is Warhammer 40,000 after all, where space ships are like giant cathedrals, Hell is a real place (and a shortcut across the galaxy), and supersoldiers fight with chainsaw swords, i.e. IT’S FRIGGING AWESOME.
So in short, buy this. Listen to it. Enjoy it. Because if you don’t, Angron will GET VERY ANGRY.
Mr Triceratopping! 