Art of Magic – Rated XXX

Art for Magic: the Gathering is always very good; you’ve got cool monsters, awesome spells, mysterious artefacts, breathtaking lands, the super-powered Planeswalkers… basically a lot can be contained in that little 1.5 x 2.5 inch window.

Like… um…  how shall I put it? Mature situations?

Yep, these are the cards where you just can’t help but wonder how the art passed checking and got approved for a card game aimed for kids as young as 12… call it an overactive imagination or general immaturity, but I can’t help but giggle at some of these…

As a disclaimer, these are cards with art that can be interpreted as naughty… I’m not talking about cards with actual intentionally sexy art like Reversal of Fortune, Vampire’s Bite, or Goblin Matron.

matron
Have you been a *naughty* goblin?

Let’s press on… there’s a lot, worryingly…

monkey

I think all M:tG players know this one; it’s the card with the goddamn monkeys doing the nasty in the background. I can’t tell if the Orangtuan making a face of disgust, or a face of voyeuristic excitement.

clergy

 

“Lower… lower… lower, you unbeliever! This faith’s shield in my pants isn’t going to hammer itself out!”

cloaker

Gargoyles are fairly considerate; at least they’ll give you a reach around in the middle of SURPRISE BUTTSEX.

sap

Return to Zendikar – Eldrazi Bukkake.

“Oh god, it’s everywhere! Get the Kleenex! Oh god, it’s in my hair!”

despair

I’ve seen enough anime to know where this is going.

seeker

 

Nothing out of the ordinary, right? Except for his giant swinging metal dick! Glory Seeker? More like Gloryhole Seeker.

bind

 

What is this, 50 Shades of Fae? 

thoughtseize

“Okay, what’s wrong with this one?” you may ask. “It seems absolutely fine! Just a faerie plucking dreams out of a woman’s ear!”

But who says that’s her ear?

maw

Sorry, but that is a dick. Just flat, outright, a dick. A big floppy sweaty hairy toothy nightmare-fuel cock-monster which would make Giger himself proud.

denizen

And that’s a giant green cock monster!

wurm

Aaargh cock monsters everywhere!

cyclops

Aaargh! Dick tree!

thirst

Oh god no, not a tentacle-rape tree!

shocker

Technically this one doesn’t count, but I had to include it for that flavour text; “Fervid shamans willingly submit to shockers in hopes of glimpsing the fortunes of the future.”  Ooo, those naughty shamans!

I’m sure that there are more cards like this, but those were the best that I could think of! There’s probably not too many more though, I mean it’s not as if Magic artists go out of their way to deliberately…

800px-Chandra_and_Liliana

God damn it.

I’ll be in my bunk.

Gareth

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2 thoughts on “Art of Magic – Rated XXX

  1. Congrats! You have a dirtier mind than me!

    I’ll never be able to look at some of those cards again. Others, of course, I’ll look at…..a lot…..

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